Substituting Toothache W/ Heartache

"Hopelessly adrift in the eyes of the ghost again down on my knees and my hands in the air again
Pushing my face in the memory of you again,but I never know if it's real never know how I wanted to feel
Never quite said what I wanted to say to you,never quite managed the words to explain to you
Never quite knew how to make them believable,and now that time has gone another time undone
Hopelessly fighting the devil futility feeling the monster climb deeper inside of me feeling him gnawing away hungrily
I'll never lose this pain,never dream of you again"

Untitled-The Cure

I knew looking at the seven day weather forecast on Sunday that there was major potential for losing days to the rain this week,having nixed yesterday due to my oral surgery and now losing today to the rain I can kiss goodbye to a 50 mile week.

I had hoped to run Monday thro Friday and rest Saturday and Sunday b4 going to New York next Monday to run the 1,500m at The Armory,it looks like I'll be lacing them up on the weekend now we'll just have to see what the next couple of days bring in terms of what mileage I can get now for the week.

Today should be my 25th wedding anniversary w/ Erica,sadly it isn't because I pissed my marriage away,I always say Erica and I were guilty of "being in love w/ being in love"and not in love w/ one another all those years ago, we were young and probably inexperienced to be married but I also know I have to own the lions share of the blame for our marriage falling apart,we had so many hurdles and obstacles to overcome from when we first met in London in Jan 85 that by the time we got here to Philly in late October 87 things were already over between us.

I've had ample time since our separation and subsequent divorce to realize how badly I messed things up w/ Erica,my own parents separated when I was quite young and frankly you couldn't have put Eileen and Kevin in the same room unless you posted the National Guard outside in the beginning but as time evolved they not only settled their considerable differences but became very good friends I always wanted that for Erica and I,sadly that hasn't happened and isn't likely to and I have to own some major guilt to things I did and said while we were together that has meant we've sailed separate oceans since our separation and divorce.

I don't blame Erica's parents for "running interference" when I've attempted to contact her in the past,the Kevin they knew and had the misfortune to have as a son in law wasn't worth the time of day but I always hoped Erica would know I was genuinely sorry for the things I did and said back in the bad old days when I drank,I don't want forgiveness I just want her to know how deeply sorry I am for the terrible way I behaved back then,I can say w/ my hand on my heart that I hope whatever Erica did w/ her life after our divorce I hope she's happy,knowing that would ease my conscience somewhat.

So that's it for major Erica anniversaries I always knew this year would be a tough one 25 years since she moved from Philly to London to live w/ me,25 years since we got engaged in Greenwich on her 21st b'day and 25 years since we got married,there are dozens of Erica Songs that remind me of her,Cinderella's "Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone"might just be the one that says it all.......